||[Nov. 10th, 2010|01:30 am]
I am honestly afraid and terrified that i might not be able to fall in love again.
The main reason for that being i never stopped loving laura. At this point it's almost irrational, but that's the thing, i don't think i'll ever be able to elevate myself to this high on the "i unconditionally love you" scale for another person.
Joey is nix though, i would turn myself inside out if he needed me too. I'm just speaking romantically.
I still love laura, even now. I would give her my organs if she needed them.
If she was ever captured by nazi's i would be the first person parachuting out of the plane into enemy territory. I have no idea how i can be MORE romantic then that.
I've tried, very hard to villainize her, change my mental picture, not to flirt. It doesn't help. At the end of the day i still want to wake up next to her, for the rest of my unnatural life. I want to marry her, i do.
I've told her, that the best decision i ever made for us was to not get married when she was pregnant. I didn't want to rush into something that was supposed to be the "right" thing to do. And i didn't want to take advantage of her being all hopped up on baby hormones. I wanted to be more mature and sure of myself. I wanted us to actually want to be together because we actually loved each other and not just because we had an oopsie baby together. I was doing the most noble and mature thing i could do in that situation. I did not want to fuck up our lives because we rushed into something that might have not worked out.
I put my foot in my mouth though. I should have gotten married? Would we be together now? I don't know. But i've had time to think things through, and i've had time enough to start getting used to wearing "man" pants. But it seems lost now.
She's dating this guy now, for 4 months, and she brought up marriage with him (to me) and i've basically flipped my shit. She's become this abhorrent caricature of herself. She's suddenly eager to be a housewife, to be submissive. She never wanted to be that. I loved laura because we were equals. We could depend on each other and we were both part of something, together. Now it's like, she just wants to be a typical girl. I didn't fall in love with the typical girl. I loathe the typical girl.
I loved the rebel, the loud one, the anti-status quo. She was proud to stand on her own two feet and she was happy to have someone who encouraged that. But i dunno.
I have this thought, or this hope, or this... desperation that maybe she's still in there. There's this girl deep inside her, the one who wore hoodies and watched dragonball Z and was proud to be different. She's being held captive by this... Stepford wife who wants to cling to this notion of normality.
We were sandi and soda pop
We were Frankenstein and Frankenstein's Creation
We were lovers
And i don't believe i'm going to be able to feel that way about someone else ever again.
I think my hearts broken.